Kat's Shadow
by TangleToy
Summary: A glimpse in Kitty Pryde's head after having left the X-men, her long-term family.


Title: Kat's Shadow  
  
Author: TangleToy or Tangles  
  
E-mail: TangleToy@hotmail.com or tangles@subreality.com  
  
Rating: PG-13 (language)  
  
Summary: A glimpse in Kitty Pryde's head after having left the X-  
men, her long-term family.  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine. Just renting. Will dry clean and return to the Marvel Entertainment Group, after using it to beg for change on the street corners. Don't expect much change.  
  
Story notes: Well. I don't have much to say for this fic, except: Strangely enough, I think I understand her thoughts. Now, if only I could get this epiphany on someone useful to me, like my co-workers or my family. Then I'd be set.  
  
Author notes: I'd like to thank Indigo, AnaLyssie, and Oberon for their beta reading. Thanks, guys. *lights a candle on the beta reader shrine* I'd also like to thank Winter for his last line bit, when I asked him about a certain poem. "But I'm Jewish for goodness sake." *laughs* Please, no MSTings or Pop-ups. If you would like to archive this, please ask first so I can bookmark your page. Feedback to: tangles@subreality.com Flamers can go play with S'ym in Limbo. :)   
  
  
  
Kat's Shadow  
  
By TangleToy  
  
What was the phrase? Look into the abyss too long, and it looks back. Hmm. Something like that, maybe. I can't bring myself to get off the couch and go look. I'm tired. I've built up tired until I've redefined the word.  
  
I was a hero when girls my age giggled over boy bands in the back of the bus. I've seen more evil perpetrated against man by his brother, than any battle weary veteran of war. I've faced my self from another dimension, and she was even more fucked up than me. There's no therapy for that. There's just a bald man in a wheelchair, holding onto as much horror as me.   
  
For so long Xavier was a hero to me. I feel a little deceived, like a zealot suddenly realizing they've been worshipping a street magician with bad card tricks. Sleight of hand here, rabbit from the hat there. You would think I was smarter than that. He was good at illusions. You never saw the man behind the curtain.  
  
Sprite. Ariel. What was I thinking? Shadowcat. There's a name. Darkness in light, and an animal aloof, intelligent, and well clawed. I was never the kitten people wanted me to be. I tried though. It just wasn't in my nature. Hiss, spit, and a decent swipe, that's me.   
  
If I find growth from the pain in my life, than I'm a wise woman indeed. The deaths of people I loved are enough to rob the childhood from a dozen of me. Doug. Illyana. Jean. The time the X-Men made me think they were dead. How screwed up was that? Imagine your family appearing dead to the world, but really, they're just hiding out. Without you, of course. Rachel, who may or may not be dead in the time stream. Scott. Moira. Oh god, Moira. She used to make me porridge, when I stayed at Muir. Peter. Some come back. Some don't. Normal people don't live like this. Normal people don't debate clearing out someone's effects, because they might 'swing by' later that month. Normal people know the tears they cry at a funeral aren't wasted water.  
  
But I'm not like everyone else. I was never normal.  
  
I got the whole story that no one can use that definition, since everyone's meaning is different. Usually I was given that shtick as I was crying because someone didn't invite me to her house for a sleepover. But you know what? How many women do you know that can walk through walls? That's not a trick everyone can do. Also, I haven't noticed lately, but when did unstable molecules become the rage on the fashion runways? When is Kathie Lee coming out with an unstable molecule clothing line for Wal-Mart? I'm pretty un-fucking normal, and so are the so-called normal people feeding me the line, while shooting blasts of energy out their eyes.  
  
Don't tell me I'm normal. Don't ever lie to me like that.  
  
Logan's been on my mind lately. I wonder about him a lot. I think about his feral side, and wonder if he was like that in the beginning, or if he was made like that from being a hero. Dark Phoenix, Warren's grim face when he's deep in thought, and Onslaught come to mind. I had to ask myself, how long until I was driven to my darkest part.  
  
Then I realized I was already there.  
  
Now I lie in bed wondering what might have been. Maybe I could have been a cheerleader, and dated the captain of the football team. Maybe I could have been the class nerd, and president of the AV club. My life could have been different, and I'll never be able to find out.  
  
If the abyss were wise, it would flinch and scurry away. There's no pride in the shadows, just a cat with barely one life left.  
  
~fin~  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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